I go through my old photos n i looked so young n happy! Was that my true reality?
What is my true reality now? Y do i feel so different n lonely? Its like im in a crowed room n no one even sees me. Or if they do they make fun of me. When i am by myself the voices in my head reminded me of all the things i have not accomplished, what i have failed at, what ive lost. Is there an up from here? I have a hard time with acceptance. I want to be accept by everyone just like i accept them. I want there approval especially from my mom (which is not easy to get). I want to prove my worth, my best, my all. I guess i want to b the perfect super human.. Could this be y im unhappy at times? Becuz im failing at my mission? Im there for many people, listen n hearing to what they have to say whole heartedly. I try to fix what i can. Try to love a lil harder. I like to see the best in people n it absolutely breaks my heart when they prove me wrong. I take on their demons. It becomes apart of me. Now i have another struggle to face. Another secret to keep. Loyalty to prove. When i turn around i see no one who is being loyal to me. This sadness my heart. Am i not worth the loyalty? If u want something u gotta give it in order to recieve it, i was told as a child. Well i do. If i fail at this task then pls redirect me. I want to b good for everyone. Feeling unwanted is not a new feeling to me. Ive felt it my whole life. I was born in Germany n lived there for a few years as a young child. My mom had me young. Her n my biological dad didnt stay together long. Then a military man caight my moms fancy. Then came my sister sheena. When sheena was born i was outkasted. I remember me getting punished for not leeping her out of things. Lino (military man) would set me on the highest hutch we had. N in germany the ceilings are bery high. I remember being terrified to move. He said to me once i will not catch u if u fall, u should not be moving arpund up there. Inwas wearing a baby blue sweat outfit n had gold studs in and auburn hair. There was many times i remember being thrown in a cold shower with the bathroom light off. Screaming "im sorry, im sorry mommy pls help me" "let me out its cold, ill be good, i promise". This happened 3 to 4 times a week. The cold water began not to affect me as much. Lino tortured me. He would pop me in my face for every lil thing. These were torturous for a young child. Especially to b remembered. Lino wanted to come to America. He was going to rip my mother n me out of the only thing we knew n the only family i wouldve had. He put on an excellent show for my moms aunt n uncle so they could vouch for him coming to the states. But he needed to adopt me in order to go to America. I remember sitting in the van adults in the front n my lil sister crying in the back, lino turns around smacks me and says play with her. Then goes back to yelling at my mom. No clue what they were arguing bout. My mom talked my biological dad to sign his rights away. Before we left though he gave me this beautiful baby doll that had long lashes n her eyes would open n shut depending on her position. I remember thinking shes my baby n i wont ever make her cry, her eyes are too pretty. So lino adopted me,gave me his last name. Took us to America. Abandoned us n began a whole new lufe with a woman bamed anna. So now my baby sister was sad cuz her daddy was gone. I try to console her. I get angry for my sister n want to protect her. In my mind he hurt her like he hurt me. He came around occassionally. Picked us up. Funny how the oldest would sit up front or both in the back. But sheena who is 4 years younger than me got to sit up front. They laughed talked. He got her a sandwich from the deli. One that we could split but instead of agreeing to one she picked the kind she liked. Linos words(shes the baby) so no sandwich for me i got a tiny clear cup of peanuts n raisins. Trail mix i think its called. Lino got physically abusive towards me. Busted lips, swollen eye, brusies on my side from him hitting me. His comment was at least im not hitting u with the belt like ur mom n phillip do. But it sure felt like he was punching instead of slapping me. I also had to share my birthdays with sheena. Lino felt it was unfair n that she was his baby n wouldnt understand. So there was three kids inside with me wearing my pink princess dress. N all the adults n other kids were outside with sheena m lino. She got more presents than me. Even got a milkshake but i didmt cuz im lactose. Understandable but i got nothing at all. How is a kid suppose to feel? I started to feel rage, left out, abandoned. No family in my life, no one who loves me the way they love her. Lino n my mom divorce. She gets with a partier named phillip. He basiclly moved right in. Controlled us well me n my sister. He was nicer to sheena than me. Besides she was the baby. I came home one day all excited to show my mom that i got a 100% on my school work. She was distracted at that moment then phillip who had only known us for bout a month n who reeked of a beer n whiskey grabbed it out of my hand and said "u cant even fucking read this, get an eraser,erase it all n do it ledgable" no idea what ledagble meant. My mom was in the kitchen n i asked her n she explained it to me. Niether one of them said good job. So now i knew it doesnt matter how hard i tried i will get no recognition for it as children need. I was only criticized. I was 7 years old. Later down the line my mom had another child. Her name is angeleena. He was sure to seperate all of us. Making statements like my kids are all geniuses. They will pass u up by far nadine. It comes natural for them they wont have to work so hard. So i guess i was being told that no matter how hard i try it isnt good enough, dont waste ur time, u will never win. He alao had a son from a previous marriage. Then they had another child. She became special needs. Pgillip worked off n on but when she was born he quit working. It was more hell for me! I had to take care of the kids,getting them ready for school, do morning chores which were absolutely RIDICULOUS. Im talking bleach down the kitchen twice a day jyst to name one. Phillip would get so drunk the night before sometimes n puke everywhere that i would b cleaning up his puke. The whole eggs one was the grossest. If he was too hung over n melodee had an appointment i did not go to school. I was melodees care taker. I had a couple older friends they took them from me. I was no longer able to b there friend but they could b. Nice! Sheena got to move out. She lived her life the way she wanted. Maybe not the way she wanted but she did not have to deal with bull shit n abuse like i did. I was loyal to my mom. Lino said i could move in with him but right now wasnt the time. No time was the time i guess. I felt no love or acceptance. Phillip drank so so much. I saw how happy he was so i started drinking the real robotussin, then southern comfort, vodka, smoking cigaretts. Now my lil sister was never with me when i smoked but one day she had a french fry n puffed on it like it was a cigarette. I got yelled n accused of teaching her that. (Mind u i have two friends over) they called me in the house told me to bend over the couch n tuck my hands in the back. They beat my fucking ass so bad. There beating me n yelling at me. Ones holding me cuz im screaming, moving, jumping,crying screaming help me! I get hit all over from my mid back to my mid thighs. They told me to gp finish eating i couldnt even sit down let alone catch my breath. I look over to Margaret n jessica(my friends) and tell them im sorry n am still whimpering. They left a few minutes later n NEVER retured. Margrets mom said she doesnt want her daughter witnessing abuse like that. Jessica just bout quit being my friend entirety. She was that shook up n felt responsible cuz she gave me the cigaretts to smoke. I told her its not her fault but she dismissed me. U see the pattern here? Abuse is all i know:emotional,physical,mental, abuse. I read the book "It" n we have similar stories. It broke my heart to read that another child suffered with abuse. Especially similar to mine cuz i knew what it felt like. My mom did work BUT i was the one without a dad! I was the one without aunts,uncles, cousins. She took me from the family i couldve known to America where im not wanted n absused. I feel that my mom should of paid more attention or even listened when i would talk or argue with her. I was screaming for help. Y did she not protect me? Defend me? Compliment me? I figured i would b her baby since all the other kids had someone else. But i always seem to disappoint her, piss her off, argued with her, throw fits, i wanted to b heard!!! Y was no one hearing me? Am i speaking to quietly? Have i not been good enough? Is it not my turn? Y am i last? N most of the time last was never recognized! I felted abandoned. Not worth anyones time. Just a human slave, a robot, a second mother. Never did i get to do sports hang out with friends on a regular basis. (Except when i got older i could hang out with bob joe ) the only reason for that is cuz they were beneficial to phillip n my mom. They chopped wood carried water they did it all. As there reward we got to hang out for a bit. My friend bob could see n feel the pain i was going through. He was very kind to me. I adopted him as my older brother. He was nice n treated me like i was human not a slave. I will forever b greatful. I moved out on my 18th bday with no real plan. Then got with my now xhusband. That too had its ups n downs. I am filled issues. Loneliness. If i have a problem who do i call? Can i really trust that friend? Will my boyfriend at the time use it against me in a fight? My sisters n i are distant. My mom is close with sheena trying to make up for lost time. Sheena also fid not have to expierance an ounce of pain that i endured. So there relationship is peachy. Sheena also trys to talk to me as if shes a grown up n im a child. I have to remind her continuously to not talk to me a certain way n to remember after my childhood i did have a period where i had my career went to the university had a beautiful home a husband and a son. It may have not been perfect fairy tale but it was pretty damn close compared to my childhood. My divorce killed me. I made some bad choices that affected my future. Now i must learn from them. Still where do i go when i have a bad day? Will they understand the whole picture? My pain? My failure at a successful relationships, failure to stand up for myself? The picture has 1001 puzzle pieces each all unique. Each has their own story. Be patient with me. Know that there really is no method to my maddness, just maddness.